Eve of Destruction: Can I Keep The Couple, After We’ve Bought Their House? (12/99)

We are totally enraptured with the sellers of our new abode, Marty and Phil.  They’re like a long lost aunt and uncle.  They are the original owners, for thirty-four years!  But it’s not just that they’re nice, it’s that they know that we love what they’ve done in that time.  All of it.  When they remodeled to add more living space they created a unique floor plan, placing extreme attention to detail matching the old with the new, and it shows.

They opened up their home again, and again, to us so we could show it off to my mother and Ed’s mother.  At one visit Phil busied himself by sharing the photo album of their remodel from 1985 with Eddie.  Ed was visibly envious.  Thirty-four whole years to finish every project!

Then, after much conversation, Phil learned that we were in Vegas at the same time they were getting situated in their new home overlooking the strip.  They guessed that we were at the Venetian for the large suites that they enjoyed too.  (ALL of the rooms are suites the hotel staff proudly boasts.
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)  Phil promised a phone number for a friend of theirs that can get us $50 room rate, anywhere in Vegas, anytime.  Another reason (like how to turn on the Jacuzzi or the oven when Ed’s on shift and I’m home alone with Sam) just to stay in touch.

After our open house today, our mutual realtor, Pat Riner told me that Marty and Phil stopped by.
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  They wanted to say hi and see what our house was like.  Sort of proving to themselves that we were good homeowners already and thereby deserving of the home that they had lovingly cared for!

Now, the couple buying our home might be feeling a little of this bond but…I’m way to freaked out to deal with it.  You see I’ve figured out why Marty and Phil like us so well.  At least one reason that’s not based on mutual like.
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  When we agreed not to “nickel and dime” them after the inspection an audible exhale rang through their beautiful library paneled ceilings.  Not so in our home that we’ve spent time and money on for only ten short years.

They want us to caulk.  Caulk!  And they want us to fill in, replace and basically pave over all the years we’ve lived here.  And every earthquake that shivered down the spine of my swimming pool as well.  The house is over thirty years old!  Don’t they own a glue gun?  A caulk injector?  Firefighter/contractor friends?

So not only do I have to get out of my house by New Years I have to make it PRETTIER!

IT’S AS IS I want to yell from the new roof and new textured-coated ceilings!  But Pat tells me that their realtor is just doing her job.
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  And it’s not the new owner’s fault that I’ve lost it.  It’s probably the thought that I have to get all of my bitching done before New Years that’s put me, and anyone I can take with me, completely over the freaking edge!

So, Marty and Phil I thank you for being such wonderful sellers that share a MUTUALLY respectful kinship.  Now if I can only convince our buyers that a tour of their new neighborhood (they come from Burbank) and a subscription to the Mighty Signal (Once this is printed and all of the irate realtors can voice their feelings on the tell its.) is worth far more than the nickels and dimes they can get off this tired X-mas Grinch.