I’m that person. The one that when wait staff approach a table to introduce themselves and ask how we are, I always reply that I’m fine and ask how they are. And I love to see their response, which nearly always includes a smile and a “thank you for asking” reply. Not so hard to make someone happy and feel noticed.
I think this behavior of mine comes from years consulting in the restaurant industry. Learning that so many of the staff have skills I don’t have, and that are rarely appreciated by the clientele. I also think it happened to me years before that, when my Uncle Booey was visiting and we went out to lunch at an Islands restaurant. The waiter came to the table, welcomed everyone and then introduced himself. Uncle Booey, without missing a beat, introduced all of us by name right back. We all laughed, as did the waiter, but it stuck with me as the right thing to do. Being human right back just seemed right.
Maybe you aren’t ready to make friends with the wait staff. Maybe you prefer some anonymity. But asking how they are in return should wake you up to the fact that they are humans. Soon they may be robots.
Another thing I try to do, in the case or a suspected corked wine, is that I will mention that I believe the wine is off. I will explain what I’m smelling and tasting and then ask if that’s indictive of the wine. This gives them the opportunity to be of service, and showing that their knowledge matters to me. The entire exchange becomes both polite and thoughtful. Also, it’s no one’s fault if a wine is faulty, so why make staff feel that it is? (Although I will add that all wines served by the glass over multiple days be sampled before serving.)
Complaining about service, food or drink is tricky for some people. Some feel it’s their right to complain as they are paying. But we are paying guests, that the establishment also has the right to refuse service to. But if the food is late in delivery you have no clue if it’s the fault of the back of the house (kitchen) or the front of the house (dining room) – but yet you complain to the wait staff about it.
If a cocktail isn’t made to your liking, then it was your fault in not giving explicit instructions on how you like it. I cringed when a pal sent back her cocktail as she wanted three cherries instead of one – why not just ask for a couple more? I would rather ask for a change over ever sending something back. For instance, if I’m served regular noodles instead of the gluten-free noodles I have a preference for, bring me a side of gf noodles. The entire plate doesn’t have to be returned.
Though not technically bar or restaurant staff, I think it’s important that we extend the same degree of respect to the staff at a winery tasting room, event and drive throughs. If you’ve ever watched the person in the drive through managing multiple orders – sometimes while helping walk up counter clients at the same time – you know that they are working very hard and deserve common courtesy. Again, the fact that you are a paying customer is not the important factor, but the fact that you can make their day by just showing some respect should be a given.
I believe in being kind from the host or hostess that greets you to the bus persons that clean up after you. There’s a scene with Frank Langella and Keanu Reeves where Langella thoroughly humiliates a waitress while he’s also offering Reeves a job, and Reeves ultimately refuses working with him after witnessing his obnoxious show of superiority. I googled the scene, from the film Sweet November, and through AI found that Langella showing “cruelly and arrogance toward someone with zero leverage, (Reeves) refuses to be manipulated by the high-pressure deal. Instead of signing, he rejects the proposal with the famous line: “It’s not the offer, it’s you.”’
I learned long ago whether or not you believe that you are the superior in a situation, it does no good to show that off. And I also have learned that no matter what position you have, you will only lower it when you degrade another person without thought.
Eve Bushman has a Level Two Intermediate Certification from the Wine and Spirits Education Trust (WSET), a “certification in the first globally-recognized course” as an American Wine Specialist ® from the North American Sommelier Association (NASA), Level 1 Sake Award from WSET, was the subject of a 60-minute Wine Immersion video (over 16k views), authored “Wine Etiquette for Everyone” and has served as a judge for the Proof Awards since 2022 (submit via https://proofawards.com) Cellarmasters, LA Wine Competition, Long Beach Grand Cru and the Global Wine Awards. You can email Eve@EveWine101.com to ask a question about wine or spirits. Follow on Instagram and Facebook.
